House is Right

House Recap: 11-01, Part One

by Rhys on November 17th, 2005

It’s been so long! A month without House? Torture! I missed him, but perhaps the hiatus was a good thing, since I really need to recover from Chase planting a big wet one on that little girl.

We start out with some guy who looks like Colin Farrell but isn’t Colin Farrell tossing candy bars to a bunch of little kids. Hmm, since the area is all dusty, I guess this means Not –Colin- Farrell is slummin’. Nice call on the candy bars, dude. Way to provide nutrition to starving people.

Scene change! Now Not-Colin-Farrell- (henceforth referred to as NCF) is trying to get a bunch of corporate-type money-grubbing bastards to pay for some drugs to give the aforementioned poor people. (business people=soulless monsters!)

Suddenly, NCF clutches his head dramatically, like people always do on this show before collapsing. Dramtically. I’ve seen people faint before, and never have they had the time to clutch anything dramatically. Maybe drool a little, but that’s it. Oh well. I guess celebrities are different from us normal folk, after all.

Intro! Hmm, the intro for this show is way too somber. It doesn’t fit at all. They should totally have House and Wilson doing The Hustle instead.

There’s Cameron, the lovely Jennifer Morrison. She’s sure a lot prettier when she’s alive.

Segue: This is truly a miracle hospital. Have you noticed all these dead people—who died in horribly disfiguring ways—walking around all spiffy? I mean, Foreman jumped in front of a train when Carter and Benton were mean to him, and got his face ripped off. Cameron was savagely murdered by a bunch of teenage jerks and haunted Kevin Bacon for a while. And Wilson, poor Wilson…shooting himself in the head when his mean father wouldn’t let him be an actor even though he totally kicked ass in that production of A Midsummer’s Night Dream.
Wow, if this is the quality of service at this hospital, sign me up!

Back to the show.

Cuddy barges into House’s office, brandishing a copy of Newsweek with a cover story about NCF. House dismisses him as lame, much more impressed by a girl he knew who had a unique way of blowing out a candle. He says NCF has an ego, which is like…pots and kettles…well, is like somebody with a really big ego saying somebody else has a really big ego. To prove this, House glances at NCF’s file and instantly dismisses the possibility of TB.

Well, of course, it’s only the beginning of the show. First House has to doubt the patient is sick. Then the team has to write a lot on the Big Board, and make a lot of wrong guesses. Then do a bunch of expensive, painful tests for no reason. Then think they FINALLY have the right answer, but it’s wrong again. Finally, when there’s only five minutes left in the episode, and the patient only has five minutes left to live, a friend or family member of the patient will make some off-hand remark like “She likes to drink bleach” or “We live on a radioactive street” and House will magically use that clue to come up with just the right diagnosis.

So the question is this: why don’t the doctors just sit around and play Scrabble or something until the family member/friend shows up at the last five minutes and gives the clue? It’d save a lot of time and money.

NCF crashes the team’s Big Board party…barefoot. Barefoot. Does he know where he is, on the ward with all the strange diseases? He’s kind of dumb for a doctor. Hmm, maybe it is Colin Farrell.

NCF uses the time to bully the team into donating money to His Cause. Chase mumbles something about his dad being rich but not him. Sure. Who’s paying for those highlights, then? And where is this mysterious dad? Will he make an appearance during sweeps? Will we find out that Chase became a doctor even though his dad wanted him to be an executive in the Big Multi-Million Family Business, thus estranging him from his father, until there’s an emotional scene during sweeps when Dad says, “I was always proud of you, son.” And everybody cries?

NCF and House argue over his diagnosis. House tells Cameron to pick a side. She chooses NCF. Which kind of serves House right, since he dissed her and left her sitting all alone in a restaurant last season. Butthead.

Unable to think of a professional retort, House reverts to third grade and tells NCF he smells bad. Hmm, maybe it is Colin Farrell. NCF says it’s a mysterious body powder he got hooked on in Africa, made out of monkey dung or something. Now kids, this body powder ‘clue’ is what is called a red herring, so don’t get excited just yet.

Cameron’s all giggly-school-girl around NCF, who’s talking on a cell phone. Which totally makes since because last time he used a pay phone he had that sniper trying to kill him and all. I like how Cameron’s shirt is all sexily unbuttoned practically down to her navel in this scene. Must be the latest in hospital wear.

The ‘Dr. Slutty’ look is totally in this year!

The team argues some more in House’s office and decides NCF has some sort of heart problem, and go off to administer expensive pointless tests. Also, NCF’s wearing a hospital gown in this scene, which is open and showing his butt, except we don’t get to see his butt. This show can show blood and guts and diarrhea, but a butt? Grody!

Cameron sneaks in and gives NCF a forbidden TB test, because she’s a rebel that way.

House runs into Wilson on the elevator, and Wilson rubs it in that House is jealous of NCF’s shiny career. House remarks that NCF may be closer to a Nobel Prize, but he (House) has nailed more Swedish babes. Obviously, House is the winner.

Hey, who farted?

On To Part Two…

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