House is Right

House Recap: 11-22-05, Part One

by Rhys on November 23rd, 2005

We open with Wilson and House discussing how House stole Stacey’s psych file. Bad House! According to the dastardly doc, Stacy is mean to him because she secretly wants to have him in bed.

Then some sickly-looking jerk accosts House and demands House treat him. House wisely declines. A scuffle ensues and leads to a tug-of-war with the cane. House does that let-go-of-it trick like you used to do to your little sister, haha, and the Jerk falls into a car and goes into anaphylactic shock. (Hmm…what are they making cars out of these days?)

So of course Cuddy yells at House and demands he treat Jerk, or House will be sued. I didn’t know you could blackmail doctors into treating you. Hmm, I’ll have to remember that.

House brings up the subject of hookers—again, he does that quite a bit—and when Stacy and Mark show up, complaining of a rat, House of course manages several double entendres about rodents and sex. What a combo! Mark is annoyed.

House gathers his team together and as usual, diagnoses without any research. The Jerk’s name is Calvin. Calvin the Jerk, henceforth known as CJ. As usual, the team argues with him. They offer up a bunch of weird stuff until the case is weird enough to interest House. The good doc ends with a meaningful “He made himself so much better he made himself sick.” Ahh…okay.

I’d just like to point out that it is very convenient that the team only has one case a week, every week. Must not be that many mysteriously sick people in these parts. Of course, it still takes them until the last 5 minutes of the episode to solve the case, and they only solve it because a friend/family member of the patient offers some seemingly unrelated tidbit, which turns out to be just what House needs. Honestly, anyone with access to google and WebMD could solve these cases in 3 minutes, but of course, it wouldn’t be as fun.

House wants to do some tests that could kill CJ. Wilson is worried; House doesn’t care. He has more important things to worry about, like how to use a rat to get Stacy into bed. And by the way, I’d just like to point out that there is an alarming amount of fanfic on the Internet detailing sexual exploits between Wilson and House. I believe this is the most hoped-for hookup on this show. Go on and read some yourself if you don’t believe me. Oh, the fanfic!

Wow…this fanfic makes me feel funny down there.

Chase and Cameron examine CJ. CJ thinks Chase is cute, and sexually harasses him. There is some hint at a threesome between CJ, Chase, and Cameron. If this were to happen…oh, the fanfic!

House goes over to Stacy’s to help kill the rodent. No, not Mark. The rat. Har! House and Stacy exchange many meaningful looks. Oh, just go ahead, strip naked, and do it already.

The team calls with an update on CJ. House suggests a threesome with Foreman and his girlfriend. Oh, the fanfic!

Okay, this scene is really stupid. CJ is being obnoxious as hell, bragging about the dangerous illegal drugs he does and insulting Cameron. I don’t care if he has a tragic disease; if he wants to die so bad, let him.

CJ coughs blood. Here’s the stupid part. He coughs for a while with his hand over his mouth. THEN, he takes his hand away from his mouth, leans waaaaaaaay over and coughs at Cameron, spraying blood in her face. Whoa. That was unbelievably contrived, even for sweeps. I’d feel sorry for Cameron if CJ hadn’t almost fell out of the bed aiming for her. Tsk, tsk, writers!

Some nameless doc is recommending treatment to a stunned Cameron. If she’s so worried about exposure to HIV, why doesn’t she take off the bloody shirt? Or at least button it up past her navel.

On To Part Two…

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