House: Some Rare Illnesses for the Team

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Recently, a friend sent me the link to an article about some absolutely wacky sounding illnesses. At first when I started to read down through the list, I thought it might be a humorous article. But then I came upon Pica. We all know that one as an uncontrollable urge to eat certain inappropriate things and it is real. There was also the Werewolf Syndrome, which has been dealt with already on such primetime series as CSI. It’s extremely rare, but truly a real syndrome. And of course, there were a number of mental disorders which I skipped past immediately, since House is not a psychiatrist…he may need one at times, but that’s another post.

But after ruling all of those illnesses out, I was left with six perfect illnesses for Dr. House to tackle in upcoming episodes. (Not that the writers or producers will follow my suggestions, but this is my blog, so I’m imagining him dealing with them.) Here’s the first of the real medical mysteries:

Foreign Accent Syndrome

Foreign accent syndrome (FAS) is a speech disorder that causes sudden changes in speech pattern, intonation and pronunciation so that the victim is perceived to speak with a “foreign” accent. FAS usually results from severe trauma to the brain, such as a stroke or head injury, and typically develops within one or two years of the injury. Of the 50 to 60 cases that have been verified since 1941, only a few FAS sufferers regained their normal speech pattern, although some experienced success through speech therapy.

I think this would be the absolute penultimate illness for House to tackle. And in that episode with a patient so affected, he’ll test out his own ability to talk in other accents…like a British one! LOL! Maybe Madonna can be the patient and no one can figure out why she speaks in the British accent, since she is American. Lots of fun to be had with this one….

Fatal Familial Insomnia

Fatal familial insomnia (FFI) is a genetic sleep disorder that causes increasing sleeplessness, typically starting around the age of 50. The victim’s brain develops a plaque that inhibits the ability to sleep, and with less and less sleep, mental illness — including phobias, panic attacks, paranoia, dementia and hallucinations — set in. Within six months to three years after onset, the patient dies. There is no known cure.

The episode could begin somewhat like the one earlier this season with the woman who had liver failure and thought she hadn’t slept in days. Only this time, the patient would gradually become more and more sleep deprived and the team would search for the reasons why. Can you just see House worrying that when his leg pain keeps him awake, he might be developing such a disorder. And the patient would be difficult to diagnose, since those symptoms could be from mental illness or any number of other maladies.

Genital Retraction Syndrome

Genital retraction syndrome (GRS) is a mental condition prevalent in specific cultures that causes sufferers to believe that their external genitals are shrinking or slowly disappearing into their bodies. The widespread belief of the occurrence in portions of Asia and Africa has led to so-called “penis panics,” episodes of mass hysteria in which thousands of cases, often tied to local beliefs in witchcraft, may be reported in a short period of time.

Given the right patient and the right presenting symptoms, this one could be a real tough one to diagnose. House would suspect that the person was trying to get ready for gender-reassignment surgery only to find out that it’s happening spontaneously. And of course, he would not believe the patient who denied it…”Everybody Lies.”

Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

AIWS is a neurological condition that causes distorted visuals that make objects appear either much smaller (micropsia) or larger (macropsia) than they are. It’s a temporary condition that’s often associated with migraines, although it can also be caused by brain tumors and hallucinogenic drugs.

I don’t know if this one is really fodder for a whole episode, but imagine the sarcasm that House would give us. Things like “Objects are larger than they appear…” and a myriad of off-color innuendoes. Of course, there would be assumptions of poisoning, suspicians of drug use and multiple searches of the home. The team might do tons of tests, MRIs and who knows what else, trying to find this one. And the fact that it’s called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome is just the perfect phrase on which to base an episode’s name.

Alien Hand Syndrome

Also known as Dr. Strangelove syndrome and “anarchic hand,” AIS is a neurological disorder that makes the victim feel like he has lost control of one of his hands. In extreme cases, sufferers have been reported to engage in violent wrestling with their own hand, with the appendages even trying to strangle the patient while sleeping. Alien hand syndrome is caused by trauma to the brain — such as a stroke, aneurysm or head injury — and the symptoms can be treated, although the condition itself has no cure.

I imagine this one to be a patient coming into the clinic asking House some strange question that eventually leads to the diagnosis…along the same humor lines as the guy who said he was in love with a cow. Remember that one? This would end up playing like a sci-fi comedy routine, even though I’m sure it’s no joke to actual sufferers.

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine is a form of the exaggerated startle reflex known as hyperexplexia, so named because it was first observed in French-Canadian lumberjacks in the Moosehead Lake region of Maine in 1878. Sufferers were reported to react abnormally to loud, sudden noises — screaming, flailing, muscle seizures and, most puzzlingly, obeying commands in a reflexive, involuntary manner. For instance, when instructed in a loud, authoritative voice to hit someone, they would do so without question. It’s believed to be a genetic condition caused by a blockage of an amino acid that calms the central nervous system.

I’m imagining a yoga instructor, whose life revolves around serenity and calmness coming down with something like this. When she takes a ride on a public bus, someone drops their briefcase and she becomes hysterical. And imagine the tricks House would play on the person to test his theory!

I’m sure there are a ton of other rare and fascinating illnesses out there for House to tackle. But these seem like a few potentially good ones for season 6 to me.

What are your thoughts about them? What other unusual illnesses do you know of that House should deal with?